yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
