ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
