I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
