I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
