Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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