The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
