A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
