There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
