Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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