If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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