How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
