By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
