Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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