I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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