Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
