so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Still dying that you shit outside
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
