I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
