so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
now i know why i became what i already was.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
