Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
