I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
did i just pee glitter
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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