I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
