I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
