Sponge bath it is.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
