She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
