woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You are the jesus of drinking
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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