the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
