Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I party with great urgency now.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
