Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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