I just threw up on my dentist
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
