my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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