is your mom at the bar?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
