why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
