Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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