The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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