I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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