the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
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This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
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