So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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