if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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