Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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