She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Randomize
