I puked a lego.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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