White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
