What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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