I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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