this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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