he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
