So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
