The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
PANTIES FOUND
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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