You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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