Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
