I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
