She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
