At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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