so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
They should really pass out barf bags in church
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
